I Make Poor Choices

I would bang this dude so hard. So. Hard.

Dude.

Dear Netflix . . .

Jake: Matthew M plays a jew?!?

Hipster Red Bull

There is a FANTASTIC article (read: new definition for "soft news") in the Times about Cafe Bustelo's attempts at re-branding themselves into the non-alcoholic PBR. Several things:

• Openly discussing your attempts at manipulating hipsters into championing your corporate product might be hurting your cause

• At Sundance they were handing out the same free samples you see the Urban Outfitters mannequin taking in the photo above, the taste of which was described by Kristin as "hot ham water."

• "In the D.J. booth, Dominique Keegan, 37, alternated between puffs on a cigarette and praise for the coffee’s down-market perfection. “I live on Avenue C, and I go to the Essex market every day,” he said in a half-Irish, half-French accent. “I get my Bustelo coffee for like $2 a half-pound, and I live on that.” Is the best hipster pull-quote of the day.

thanks Kristin!

Blurring the Lines Between 'Is This a Joke?' and 'Do I Care?'

So as terrible-slash-hilarious as this is, I wasn't going to post it. There is something to be said about the fact that I'm not sure if this is a gay dude trying to rap, a rap dude employing homophobic humor, an intentionally funny (but not funny) stunt perpetrated by a gay dude or an intentionally funny (but not funny) stunt perpetrated by a straight dude. This video is eating it's own ironic enjoyment tail! But at the end of the day, still a half yawn. But then there was the info posted with the video.

We know It's been a long time coming, but that fresh dope phat fire you've all been waiting for is finally here!

Hip-Hop's homo savior Soce the Elemental Wizard is out to cast mad fire 2 on all wack Mcs/dragons
with his sick new video for his classic banger "I am (So Gay)" off The Lemonade Incident.

If you like the song, cop the whole disk. Its on iTunes hommie. And get ready for that new Soce album Master of Fine Arts comming out soon.

Directed by Liam Ahern.

If you like this video, and are a aspiring rock star get at me about doing a video for you at webuproductions@gmail.com.
Rock bottom prices and sick gangsterness are guaranteed.

"Classic Banger." Awesome.
Also, if you don't get at this guy about doing your music video, we're not friends anymore.

Facebook Is Testing My Patience

Shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, What Of It? Fuck Off."

I came across this photo today on the internet and started laughing hysterically, out loud, at my desk. I present it to you as i found it, with no context.

That shit is hilarious.

Money Well Spent

Guy Branum, who you know and love, has a chance to lunch with Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell.
At. The. Same. Time.

With Chelsea Lately and your help, this life long dream can become a reality. He has so much to teach Star about being sassy and black, and so much to teach Rosie about being gay. Click here to learn more and contribute to the magic.

Sangre De Mi Sangre

My Abuela's 75th birthday is coming up. As part of her celebration, everyone in the family is writing their own letter about her and what she means to them. Below is my cousin Juanito's letter. What you need to know is that my Abuela's name is Enedina, but everyone calls her Cuca. Also, she has been close with the Alamo family since she was a child, but didn't meet my Abuelo, Arturo Alamo, until she was in her teens. I promise this is as far into Genealogy as I will ever get.

The earliest recollection that I have of Cuca is my third birthday party and I have the picture to prove it. She is standing two rows behind me the second person from the left. That event was a mere 67 years ago. To put it into a historical context which people can easily understand, the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese had occurred the month before the party. So the date that we are describing is January 25th 1942.
The place that Cuca and I lived in was the Cuban sugar mill town of Chaparra in the province of Oriente. We lived a block away from each other and I usually was the one that went to visit her to play. Memory is a strange thing but I have very vivid recollections of the mud pies that we made in the back of the house in which she lived. The back yard had a Papaya tree and I recollect that we made tubes from the stem of the leaves through which you could shoot spitballs.Cuca lived in the house of Alfredo Martinez (Chichi) and his wife Jacobina (known as Chiky to me), you have to keep the names simple when you are three or four years old. The house had a common wall separating it from the house of my uncle Fermin Alamo and his terrorist wife Paulina (a description of someone as a terrorist in 1942 requires the explanation that to us kids she was a stern, dictatorial person who shooed us away for any slight infraction). She did have one saving grace however, and that was that she made the best ice cream in the world which we periodically got to eat.
Recollections of our idyllic existence brusquely terminated in the Summer of 1944 when my father, Gabriel Alamo, transported my friend Cuca to the United States where she was to live for the rest of her life. I guess that we really had two great years of playing house, producing mud pies and spitball shooting before it all came to an end.
We did not see each other for one year when in 1945, I was transported to the United States by my mother. We teamed up again in New York City but all was different, Cuca was now 11 and I was 6 years old. A vast difference in age by any measure and one that precludes the production of mud pies (the New York City concrete sidewalks do not lend themselves to that type of activity.)
Cuca lived on 139th Street and I lived near 125th Street and that precluded me from going around the block to play. Time has a way of moving along and bringing new players into one’s life and the next thing that I remember is that my cousin Arturo Alamo came up from Cuba to live with my aunt’s and grandmother. Over time I heard that Arturo had gotten a girl friend that was very much loved by the family. The name of the girl did not ring any bells with me but it was Enedina Infante. It took a while for me to get curious and ask who the heck is Enedina Infante? Well, you dummy I was told that is Cuca’s real name. I never knew her by that name; to me she will always be Cuca. Well my friend Cuca married my cousin Arturo and the rest is history.

Juanito Alamo

Get Some Face Tattoos On That Kid And Let's Cut An Album

Funny. True.

Seriously The Best. No, Really. The. Best.

You are welcome.

Such a Character

'Bout time.

Downward-Facing Asshole

"Our neighbor's house was foreclosed on last week, can you believe it? And my brother was laid off yesterday. Poor thing has two kids under 8 years old. And my dad, ugh, would you believe, won't be able to retire until he's 76, if he's lucky! Times like these, I just need to get this stress out of my system, get my energy in line. Oh, and these hard economic times have stressed out poor Princess Penelope too. She's not sleeping, she's not eating. She just leaves the macro-biotic dog food the chef prepares for her sitting in the bowl. She really needs this."

Shut it down.

Twat

“ More I travel the more I realize how gr8 the USA is. Theres moutains, cities, beaches, cultures, food, English, museums, football, Texas"

Ashton Kutcher, p8riot, h8r of countries without moutains, cities, beaches, cultures, food, English, museums, football, Texas

When Comedy Comes From Smart People

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Researchers Refuse to Learn Movie Lessons

Brain Researchers Open Door to Editing Memory

apparently today is the day all our science-fiction movie premises become real.

Thank God I Wasn't Planning On Sleeping Soundly Ever Again

Here's where I'd say something about SkyNet being online, the end being near, etc, etc. But we all know that. This is a terrifying nightmare that can only end with the destruction of all mankind. But more importantly, you guy's feeling the sexual tension between those two? Palpable.

How I Got Matthew McConaughey to Have Sex With Me

Sizzlin'

Mixed Messages

This is a tough one for me. I'm anti-domestic violence, but I'm pro-Keira Knightley getting the shit beat out of her.

But in all honesty, taken on its own merits, this is confused. Why spend so much time with her leaving work? Get to the story already. And then breaking the 4th wall? Pulling out to reveal the sound stage. Now I'm just wondering why no one on set is stopping this man. Makes me think Keira must be a cunt to the crew.

And as Lindsey pointed out, she calls him "dear heart." Who does that? Hit her again!

Asked. Answered.

This One's For You Braaaah

This goes to what I was saying about Brody's understanding of quotation marks on his "Official" MySpace page.*



* I am fully aware that Brody Jenner is in no way involved with the creation, writing or maintaining of his own MySpace page and that any and all MySpace, Facebook and Twitter (whatever that is) updates are done by a poor, misguided soul who prays being Brody Jenner's 2nd assistant will get him into Les Deux