Pretty Sure He's Not Speaking From Experience

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Well, you can't argue with that logic. Quite literally you can't, because it doesn't exist.

FIle Under: REALLY?!?

He Pwns The World

I like to think that in the 'Sliding Doors' of my life, the other me is a lot like this guy. Which is to say, I wish I was a lot like this guy. I would give up the intelligence that I have to be like this guy. If a personified squid offered to make me like this guy in exchange for my voice, I would do it. If Elizabeth Hurley offered to make me like this guy in exchange for my soul, I would do it. I would make Adam Sandler tell tall tales about how I am like this guy.
I. want. to. be. him.

Which Are You?

Possibly my favorite moment from a show with so many great moments. This is old, but it's still so great.
Also, "Speed has everything to do with it" is brilliant word play.

No Amount of "Pulling Taut" Will Create A Flat Plane. Trust Me.

20 seconds into this I had already decided I was going to post it here. I was going to say something about the amount of equivocating going on and the mixed metaphors, what with your "bush" and the "tree" and "under your hood" and your "equipment." But then this goes so much further than you think it's going to, I think it's rather brilliant without comment.
Well, except for one -- something about a pixilated, animated penis seems redundant. Also hilarious.

Thing Said Aloud, By Me, In The Car This Morning

"It's a Third-Eye Blind kind of day."

whoops, my life.

Vile.

Delightful

www.mylifeisaverage.com

If Only

Congrats, Variety! You just made me spit water all over my keyboard in shock. Granted, reading beyond the headline, this isn't what I had hoped for in the slightest. The gays know what I'm talking about.

Unless They Are Discussing 'Edward Scissorhands' This Is Hilarious

Overheard conversation from last night:

Guy 1: Wow, you know so much about this stuff. What is your background? Film? Television?
Guy 2: Landscape architecture.

The Holy Trinity

Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds: Behind the Scenes of The Proposal from Betty White

Sure, it's not the most hilarious thing ever, but it is enjoyable. And Betty White, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock (in that order) deserve our attention.

Kristin, Guy -- see you opening weekend.

I'm Surprised You Know How To Type on Keyboard

So thanks to Casey, I've become a big fan of this site filled with 1 star reviews on amazon.com.
But even more specifically, I'm in love with this collection of people who took to the internets to discuss why they hate The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank. Basically, these people are the best in every way. A sampling:

"Sure it’s sad that one had to be stuck under such circumstances at that age, but let’s face it, their situation was not the worst."

"Anne Frank may have become a big writer, but only because she was Jewish and “suffered” during the Nazi era, not because she was a particularly good writer."

"This is the worst book I have ever read!!! I started it with an interest toward the Holocaust. Anne Frank never talked about anything even relating to this major historical event in her short life. Anne Frank did describe her sexual attraction to females(p.117). She was obviously very flirtatious, which I wouldn’t have minded if she had not filled almost half the book with it. Overall, Anne Frank was shockingly perverted, bad-tempered, and not very smart. Many teenagers act this way, but I have never met anyone who went to that extreme, and I have never met anyone who wrote it in a diary so descendents [SIC] would be forced to read it. Even if that part was not in there, the book would still be horrible."

"It was really really boring. Its about some girl and her life- who cares!?!"

"Or, if you love, dull, unexiting books, with very unplesent conversation. Read Anne Frank by none other than Anne Frank!" (ed. note: [SIC] to all of that, obvi)

"I mean i totally respect the holocaust and i am not pregiduce i just hated that book and it totally wasted my time."

"im not prejudice and i feel horrible about the holocaust but what i don’t get is why is this girl complaining about her life?"

"There is no plot what-so-ever."

"If I could I would burn all of the copies of this book, so people don’t have to go through the hardships I did."

"SHe dint need to rite a fricken diary she just wanted to become famouse and she wanted people to feel sorry for her!!!!!!!"

I could do this all day, but I won't. Because I'm going to go get lunch. But seriously, these people are winning at life and every sentence above is competing to be the best sentence.

Mom on Facebook

Stop, Collaborate and Listen

Diana: and i didn't know that you know so much of ice ice baby

that is something that people should know about you

me: honestly i didn't know i remembered so much of it

i was drunk and really wanted to say the 'word to your mother' part at the end

Diana: hahhahahaa

me: but when i got up, turns out i know most of it by heart

so, i'm failing

Diana: we're all failing

The Whites Should Be Served Douche Chilled

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

but mostly, UGH.

My Pitch for Michael Bay's Next Movie

That guy is cooler than you.

The Gay Rihanna and Chris Brown

A new theory has been published that postulates that Vincent "Don McLean's Muse, No Not For 'American Pie,' The Other One" Van Gogh wasn't the one who cut off his own ear. The new version of events claims that it was actually Paul Gauguin who cut the ear off, with a sword, during a fight that may have had something to do with Van Gogh's unrequited love for Gauguin.

Mind you, there are no "facts" or "evidence" to back up this claim. But, our Graduate education system being what it is, Hans Kaufmann and Rita Wildegans had to research something for their thesis, so they poured over correspondences between Van Gogh and his brother and use "contextual" clues (you know, where the context is imposed upon the writing 120 years later) to discover what is clearly "the most logical interpretation."

Either way he immediately handed the severed ear to a prostitute, so Vincent FTW.