De-Luxe Apartment in the Skyyyyyy

We're movin on up kids.
TO BE CLEAR, I WILL NO LONGER BE POSTING ON THIS SITE. IT IS UGLY AND I HATE IT.
Come hang out with me at Tumblr.

No, Google, I Did Not Mean:

Scientifically NSFW

So this dude found 8 couples to fuck in an MRI machine to photograph/film what, from an anatomical perspective, sex actually looks like. Awesome. I love this guy, I love everything he stands for, I love his use of science. The first part of this video explains who he is and what he's about. The good stuff starts around 1:30.
Warning to those who don't like reality: PENIS ALL UP IN YOUR GUTZ!

Cheaper

I would looooove if Facebook just started offering me the Canal St. knock-offs of all my friends.
Kristina Smithel, see you soon!

My Weakness

I should be stronger, but I'm not. This sets off every one of my "Awwwwww" sensors. I will see this movie, and unfortunately, I will probably love it. I may even cry, anything's possible.
On a side note: WE'RE NOT DOING ENOUGH WITH CLIVE OWEN. Get it together people.

Whoa.

It's like someone got inside my head and took the ideas in there for the best movie ever and then made that movie. Seriously, this looks like the best movie ever.

Dear Los Angeles Friends

See you in October.

Can This Be Real?

If so -- badass.

You Guys

Enough.

At this rate, in a few years we won't have any tail left to eat.

Yes To All of This

I would like all of my friends more if they studied this and applied it at all our parties. You know, all the parties that we're all always having because HOLLYWOOD.

All Good Things . . .

This is likely the last installment of what has been a wonderful journey inward, illuminating the true nature of Man's Desire.

He Figured It Out

Let's be honest, I'm not going to start watching late night talk shows. But if I did, I'd watch this.
He's our John Galt.

Star Maps

I really like this idea, though I think it's highly fictional. But I also find some of their choices hilarious. Really? Party of 5? Ok, sure, I guess.
In space, no one can hear Neve Campbell Scream. (get it?)

click for larger version

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*Slams Head Against Desk*

“The water’s amazingly fresh, for swimming in a Dumpster.”

Brooklyn. Hipsters. Dumpters. Of. Course.

My Morning Commute is 15 Minutes . . . and 20 Years

McFllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Is How Democratic Presidents Fall

"I used to be Commander-in-Chief of my Pimp Ship, flying high."

- Ne-yo

He Can Haz Cheezberger

James Franco's Rejected UCLA Commencement Speech from James Franco

Listen I don't even want to talk about the video itself. (Although "I was in 'Milk' . . . and now gay people can be doctors and teachers," is very very funny)
The thing is this -- he's pulling off the stoner body. There are rules, and one of them is that if you have a nondescript regular body you only get considered insane hot if you work to maintain it. But also rules are made to be broken. And he's James Franco and we're not.

My Friends Are Funnier Than Yours

New Favorite Short Film of All Time

"Haunting . . . a moving tribute to our trying times"

- Peter Travers, Rolling Stone Magazine

"The love child of Paul Thomas Anderson and David Lynch . . . with an ending that kept me thinking for days. I love this movie!"

- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"This is not a real magazine!"

- Ben Cross, Karaoke Aficionado Magazine

Happy Birthday Kristin!

Kristin: i fell asleep on the fred 62 bar twice

America Can't Even Be Number 1 At What We Do Best

New study reported by Reuters you guys. Good Stuff.
I most enjoy the implied disgust not at liquor, but just the cheap stuff.

I Don't Think I Even Need to Say Anything At This Point

Boner Championship

Every year I eagerly anticipate the Jeopardy College Championship. For one thing, the questions are easier, so I get more of them correct, making me feel better about myself. But even more than that, it's an opportunity to combine two of my favorite things -- arbitrary trivia and lusting after 20 something dudes.

Below are the finalists in the Tournament of My Pants.Don't let the bowl cut fool you -- he was actually kind of charming. In that boorish, monotone, 'I'm so sick of being smarter than you, no one has ever touched my no-no" kind of way. Extra points for rolling his eyes at his competitors anecdotes. Demerit for the hair-cut, which I suspect is hiding a cromagnon forehead.


He was smart and one of the few competitors without a lisp or an Asberger-esque facial tic. He lost it in the final round due to the doughiness of his body. Sad.


Ladies and Gentlemen -- Our Winner!!!
The easy confidence of the King of the Nerds, he was able to overcome that hair, and the general puka-shell-necklace-vibe of it all to take the tournament. My congratulations.


Also, the funniest moment of the 2 weeks was by far this night:

I realize it's hard to read, but that category is "Indie Rock." Keep in mind these are 20-something college kids.
It was the last category the contestants wanted to pick from and they got many of the questions wrong. Categories these college kids felt they had more knowledge in:

The Renaissance
Hey! It's 1887
American Literature Before and After

Kudos to the writers on Jeopardy for reminding everyone these kids don't know.

Sometimes There Are No Words

I mean . . . who thought this . . . what is the . . . (head explodes)

Congratulations Everyone: Lyrics Edition

"I used to be Commander-in-Chief of my Pimp Ship, flying high."

- Ne-Yo, "Knock You Down"

Pretty Sure He's Not Speaking From Experience

EMBED-Sex is not supposed to be fun for women - Watch more free videos
Well, you can't argue with that logic. Quite literally you can't, because it doesn't exist.

FIle Under: REALLY?!?

He Pwns The World

I like to think that in the 'Sliding Doors' of my life, the other me is a lot like this guy. Which is to say, I wish I was a lot like this guy. I would give up the intelligence that I have to be like this guy. If a personified squid offered to make me like this guy in exchange for my voice, I would do it. If Elizabeth Hurley offered to make me like this guy in exchange for my soul, I would do it. I would make Adam Sandler tell tall tales about how I am like this guy.
I. want. to. be. him.

Which Are You?

Possibly my favorite moment from a show with so many great moments. This is old, but it's still so great.
Also, "Speed has everything to do with it" is brilliant word play.

No Amount of "Pulling Taut" Will Create A Flat Plane. Trust Me.

20 seconds into this I had already decided I was going to post it here. I was going to say something about the amount of equivocating going on and the mixed metaphors, what with your "bush" and the "tree" and "under your hood" and your "equipment." But then this goes so much further than you think it's going to, I think it's rather brilliant without comment.
Well, except for one -- something about a pixilated, animated penis seems redundant. Also hilarious.

Thing Said Aloud, By Me, In The Car This Morning

"It's a Third-Eye Blind kind of day."

whoops, my life.

Vile.

Delightful

www.mylifeisaverage.com

If Only

Congrats, Variety! You just made me spit water all over my keyboard in shock. Granted, reading beyond the headline, this isn't what I had hoped for in the slightest. The gays know what I'm talking about.

Unless They Are Discussing 'Edward Scissorhands' This Is Hilarious

Overheard conversation from last night:

Guy 1: Wow, you know so much about this stuff. What is your background? Film? Television?
Guy 2: Landscape architecture.

The Holy Trinity

Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds: Behind the Scenes of The Proposal from Betty White

Sure, it's not the most hilarious thing ever, but it is enjoyable. And Betty White, Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock (in that order) deserve our attention.

Kristin, Guy -- see you opening weekend.

I'm Surprised You Know How To Type on Keyboard

So thanks to Casey, I've become a big fan of this site filled with 1 star reviews on amazon.com.
But even more specifically, I'm in love with this collection of people who took to the internets to discuss why they hate The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank. Basically, these people are the best in every way. A sampling:

"Sure it’s sad that one had to be stuck under such circumstances at that age, but let’s face it, their situation was not the worst."

"Anne Frank may have become a big writer, but only because she was Jewish and “suffered” during the Nazi era, not because she was a particularly good writer."

"This is the worst book I have ever read!!! I started it with an interest toward the Holocaust. Anne Frank never talked about anything even relating to this major historical event in her short life. Anne Frank did describe her sexual attraction to females(p.117). She was obviously very flirtatious, which I wouldn’t have minded if she had not filled almost half the book with it. Overall, Anne Frank was shockingly perverted, bad-tempered, and not very smart. Many teenagers act this way, but I have never met anyone who went to that extreme, and I have never met anyone who wrote it in a diary so descendents [SIC] would be forced to read it. Even if that part was not in there, the book would still be horrible."

"It was really really boring. Its about some girl and her life- who cares!?!"

"Or, if you love, dull, unexiting books, with very unplesent conversation. Read Anne Frank by none other than Anne Frank!" (ed. note: [SIC] to all of that, obvi)

"I mean i totally respect the holocaust and i am not pregiduce i just hated that book and it totally wasted my time."

"im not prejudice and i feel horrible about the holocaust but what i don’t get is why is this girl complaining about her life?"

"There is no plot what-so-ever."

"If I could I would burn all of the copies of this book, so people don’t have to go through the hardships I did."

"SHe dint need to rite a fricken diary she just wanted to become famouse and she wanted people to feel sorry for her!!!!!!!"

I could do this all day, but I won't. Because I'm going to go get lunch. But seriously, these people are winning at life and every sentence above is competing to be the best sentence.

Mom on Facebook

Stop, Collaborate and Listen

Diana: and i didn't know that you know so much of ice ice baby

that is something that people should know about you

me: honestly i didn't know i remembered so much of it

i was drunk and really wanted to say the 'word to your mother' part at the end

Diana: hahhahahaa

me: but when i got up, turns out i know most of it by heart

so, i'm failing

Diana: we're all failing

The Whites Should Be Served Douche Chilled

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

but mostly, UGH.

My Pitch for Michael Bay's Next Movie

That guy is cooler than you.

The Gay Rihanna and Chris Brown

A new theory has been published that postulates that Vincent "Don McLean's Muse, No Not For 'American Pie,' The Other One" Van Gogh wasn't the one who cut off his own ear. The new version of events claims that it was actually Paul Gauguin who cut the ear off, with a sword, during a fight that may have had something to do with Van Gogh's unrequited love for Gauguin.

Mind you, there are no "facts" or "evidence" to back up this claim. But, our Graduate education system being what it is, Hans Kaufmann and Rita Wildegans had to research something for their thesis, so they poured over correspondences between Van Gogh and his brother and use "contextual" clues (you know, where the context is imposed upon the writing 120 years later) to discover what is clearly "the most logical interpretation."

Either way he immediately handed the severed ear to a prostitute, so Vincent FTW.

I Make Poor Choices

I would bang this dude so hard. So. Hard.

Dude.

Dear Netflix . . .

Jake: Matthew M plays a jew?!?

Hipster Red Bull

There is a FANTASTIC article (read: new definition for "soft news") in the Times about Cafe Bustelo's attempts at re-branding themselves into the non-alcoholic PBR. Several things:

• Openly discussing your attempts at manipulating hipsters into championing your corporate product might be hurting your cause

• At Sundance they were handing out the same free samples you see the Urban Outfitters mannequin taking in the photo above, the taste of which was described by Kristin as "hot ham water."

• "In the D.J. booth, Dominique Keegan, 37, alternated between puffs on a cigarette and praise for the coffee’s down-market perfection. “I live on Avenue C, and I go to the Essex market every day,” he said in a half-Irish, half-French accent. “I get my Bustelo coffee for like $2 a half-pound, and I live on that.” Is the best hipster pull-quote of the day.

thanks Kristin!

Blurring the Lines Between 'Is This a Joke?' and 'Do I Care?'

So as terrible-slash-hilarious as this is, I wasn't going to post it. There is something to be said about the fact that I'm not sure if this is a gay dude trying to rap, a rap dude employing homophobic humor, an intentionally funny (but not funny) stunt perpetrated by a gay dude or an intentionally funny (but not funny) stunt perpetrated by a straight dude. This video is eating it's own ironic enjoyment tail! But at the end of the day, still a half yawn. But then there was the info posted with the video.

We know It's been a long time coming, but that fresh dope phat fire you've all been waiting for is finally here!

Hip-Hop's homo savior Soce the Elemental Wizard is out to cast mad fire 2 on all wack Mcs/dragons
with his sick new video for his classic banger "I am (So Gay)" off The Lemonade Incident.

If you like the song, cop the whole disk. Its on iTunes hommie. And get ready for that new Soce album Master of Fine Arts comming out soon.

Directed by Liam Ahern.

If you like this video, and are a aspiring rock star get at me about doing a video for you at webuproductions@gmail.com.
Rock bottom prices and sick gangsterness are guaranteed.

"Classic Banger." Awesome.
Also, if you don't get at this guy about doing your music video, we're not friends anymore.

Facebook Is Testing My Patience

Shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, What Of It? Fuck Off."

I came across this photo today on the internet and started laughing hysterically, out loud, at my desk. I present it to you as i found it, with no context.

That shit is hilarious.

Money Well Spent

Guy Branum, who you know and love, has a chance to lunch with Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell.
At. The. Same. Time.

With Chelsea Lately and your help, this life long dream can become a reality. He has so much to teach Star about being sassy and black, and so much to teach Rosie about being gay. Click here to learn more and contribute to the magic.

Sangre De Mi Sangre

My Abuela's 75th birthday is coming up. As part of her celebration, everyone in the family is writing their own letter about her and what she means to them. Below is my cousin Juanito's letter. What you need to know is that my Abuela's name is Enedina, but everyone calls her Cuca. Also, she has been close with the Alamo family since she was a child, but didn't meet my Abuelo, Arturo Alamo, until she was in her teens. I promise this is as far into Genealogy as I will ever get.

The earliest recollection that I have of Cuca is my third birthday party and I have the picture to prove it. She is standing two rows behind me the second person from the left. That event was a mere 67 years ago. To put it into a historical context which people can easily understand, the attack on Pearl Harbor by the Japanese had occurred the month before the party. So the date that we are describing is January 25th 1942.
The place that Cuca and I lived in was the Cuban sugar mill town of Chaparra in the province of Oriente. We lived a block away from each other and I usually was the one that went to visit her to play. Memory is a strange thing but I have very vivid recollections of the mud pies that we made in the back of the house in which she lived. The back yard had a Papaya tree and I recollect that we made tubes from the stem of the leaves through which you could shoot spitballs.Cuca lived in the house of Alfredo Martinez (Chichi) and his wife Jacobina (known as Chiky to me), you have to keep the names simple when you are three or four years old. The house had a common wall separating it from the house of my uncle Fermin Alamo and his terrorist wife Paulina (a description of someone as a terrorist in 1942 requires the explanation that to us kids she was a stern, dictatorial person who shooed us away for any slight infraction). She did have one saving grace however, and that was that she made the best ice cream in the world which we periodically got to eat.
Recollections of our idyllic existence brusquely terminated in the Summer of 1944 when my father, Gabriel Alamo, transported my friend Cuca to the United States where she was to live for the rest of her life. I guess that we really had two great years of playing house, producing mud pies and spitball shooting before it all came to an end.
We did not see each other for one year when in 1945, I was transported to the United States by my mother. We teamed up again in New York City but all was different, Cuca was now 11 and I was 6 years old. A vast difference in age by any measure and one that precludes the production of mud pies (the New York City concrete sidewalks do not lend themselves to that type of activity.)
Cuca lived on 139th Street and I lived near 125th Street and that precluded me from going around the block to play. Time has a way of moving along and bringing new players into one’s life and the next thing that I remember is that my cousin Arturo Alamo came up from Cuba to live with my aunt’s and grandmother. Over time I heard that Arturo had gotten a girl friend that was very much loved by the family. The name of the girl did not ring any bells with me but it was Enedina Infante. It took a while for me to get curious and ask who the heck is Enedina Infante? Well, you dummy I was told that is Cuca’s real name. I never knew her by that name; to me she will always be Cuca. Well my friend Cuca married my cousin Arturo and the rest is history.

Juanito Alamo

Get Some Face Tattoos On That Kid And Let's Cut An Album

Funny. True.

Seriously The Best. No, Really. The. Best.

You are welcome.

Such a Character

'Bout time.

Downward-Facing Asshole

"Our neighbor's house was foreclosed on last week, can you believe it? And my brother was laid off yesterday. Poor thing has two kids under 8 years old. And my dad, ugh, would you believe, won't be able to retire until he's 76, if he's lucky! Times like these, I just need to get this stress out of my system, get my energy in line. Oh, and these hard economic times have stressed out poor Princess Penelope too. She's not sleeping, she's not eating. She just leaves the macro-biotic dog food the chef prepares for her sitting in the bowl. She really needs this."

Shut it down.

Twat

“ More I travel the more I realize how gr8 the USA is. Theres moutains, cities, beaches, cultures, food, English, museums, football, Texas"

Ashton Kutcher, p8riot, h8r of countries without moutains, cities, beaches, cultures, food, English, museums, football, Texas

When Comedy Comes From Smart People

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Researchers Refuse to Learn Movie Lessons

Brain Researchers Open Door to Editing Memory

apparently today is the day all our science-fiction movie premises become real.

Thank God I Wasn't Planning On Sleeping Soundly Ever Again

Here's where I'd say something about SkyNet being online, the end being near, etc, etc. But we all know that. This is a terrifying nightmare that can only end with the destruction of all mankind. But more importantly, you guy's feeling the sexual tension between those two? Palpable.

How I Got Matthew McConaughey to Have Sex With Me

Sizzlin'

Mixed Messages

This is a tough one for me. I'm anti-domestic violence, but I'm pro-Keira Knightley getting the shit beat out of her.

But in all honesty, taken on its own merits, this is confused. Why spend so much time with her leaving work? Get to the story already. And then breaking the 4th wall? Pulling out to reveal the sound stage. Now I'm just wondering why no one on set is stopping this man. Makes me think Keira must be a cunt to the crew.

And as Lindsey pointed out, she calls him "dear heart." Who does that? Hit her again!

Asked. Answered.

This One's For You Braaaah

This goes to what I was saying about Brody's understanding of quotation marks on his "Official" MySpace page.*



* I am fully aware that Brody Jenner is in no way involved with the creation, writing or maintaining of his own MySpace page and that any and all MySpace, Facebook and Twitter (whatever that is) updates are done by a poor, misguided soul who prays being Brody Jenner's 2nd assistant will get him into Les Deux

Lizzed In My Pants

It doesn't matter how I got there, what's important to emphasize is that I was not looking for Brody Jenner's MySpace page (the "official," although I worry he doesn't understand the implications of quotation marks). I stumbled upon this through another page I was looking at, but just as important to note is that I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle in my abdominals (not joking) and had to get up and walk around holding my stomach like an insane person.

Also, it appears even he gets that Gabe is the best.

Also I would hate fuck him so hard his ears would bleed.

Yep, That Is Less Socially Awkward Than Screaming In Public.

Someone should give Kelly Dobson an award. She's finally cracked the code (the code being her fragile hold on sanity).

The best comment from "sinlander": so when I go around raping girls I can carry this to make sure their screams don't alert anyone? sounds pretty good, I'll take 2 please

Who Is Feist?

Nice work boys. But Gabe, cut your hair.

Devil's Advocate

Listen, I'm as hopeful as the next guy. But we've been burned before.

Things Are Going Great

Items purchased by me at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night at Vons:











And I enjoyed them all while watching RuPaul's Drag Race: Reunion Special.

New Personal Hero

There are times when I'm driving home at 2am and I realize I'm not headed to bed anytime soon, and more than anything I'd like to go home and have a few more beers before turning in, only to remember I don't have any beer at home. Grocery stores won't sell you alcohol after 2am, so I sadly accept that I am SOL. Which clearly is my FAIL. This guy is awesome.

Also this clip made me lose my shit at work. One part America's Funniest Home Videos, one part sadness. The best.

Portland Mayor Admits Instituting Casual Fridays May Have Led to Indiscretions

This Guy. LOVE this guy. One assumes that if he was a legislative intern working on the running mayoral candidate's campaign he had, at some point, political aspirations. I'm not so foolish as to think an 18 (sure) year old who gets into an illicit affair with a 42 year old who is also his boss has the most reasoned decision making skills, but still. This is how he handles being at the center of a minor controversy that is already showing signs of blowing over (pun intended)?

On a separate but equally important note, we should all be reading this magazine. Johnny Hazard, strap-ons and creepy clown sex!?!

Time To Re-Examine Life Choices

Jake: You didn't have it already, right?
I was nervous.

He was discussing buying me "High School Musical" on DVD.


whoops.

Kindred Spirits

A free tail bat clung to the side of the Space Shuttle Discovery before launch on Sunday at Cape Canaveral and refused to let go as the Shuttle took off and rocketed toward space.


"NASA hoped the bat would fly away before the spacecraft's Sunday evening liftoff, but photos from the launch now show the bat holding on for dear life throughout the fiery ride. 'He did change the direction he was pointing from time to time throughout countdown but ultimately never flew away,' states a NASA memo obtained by SPACE.com. 'Infrared imagery shows he was alive and not frozen like many would think ... Liftoff imagery analysis confirmed that he held on until at least the vehicle cleared [the] tower before we lost sight of him.' Officials at NASA's Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla., where Discovery launched from a seaside pad, said the bat's outlook after launch appears grim."



Metaphors.

I Want.

Mission Accomplished

Hey, so apparently the crazies were right, we were redefining marriage. So we win, right?

In related news, that'll do Merriam Webster, that'll do.

Hand Job

It has long been a fantasy of mine to date a deaf guy. This stems largely from my belief that the biggest detriment to a guy liking me is his ability to hear me. So despite my pretty strict 'No Zippered Hoodies Without A Shirt Underneath" rule I'm going to give this guy a pass. However I don't think that's how you sign 'lollipop.' Just sayin'.

Racial Profiling

Today someone asked me to name the 3 Jonas Brothers and I failed. I knew Nick and Joe. For the third one I guessed Sal.

Rorschach To World -- "You weren't listening to me were you?"

YES

Hacky Sacks

"It was the stripper equivalent of an open mic night."
~ Kevin, Describing a Portland gay bar

With Friends Like These Who Needs The ASPCA

Kristin: ok, i have to admit it

i wasnt going to but i have to!

its just too disturbing

last night

i dreamed

that you

had sex

with

a

dog.

Your Girlfriend

Your girlfriend showed up at my friend's funeral the other day.

Great Sentence

"Edward Burns, with his eternal air of midtown bartender, drops in as a casino detective/ex government operative."

from here.

Truth

I've said it before and I'll say it again:
All Mormons are gay.



What, no Beaver Island reference?

File Under Too Little Too Late

Art Imitates Life Imitates Art is Commented on By Art

Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis will star in Warner Bros.' detective comedy "A Couple of Cops." The movie is about "a pair of cops who track down a stolen baseball card, rescue a Mexican beauty and must deal with gangsters and laundered drug money." The movie was originally titled "A Couple of Dicks."

This is a 30 Rock punchline, right? Shouldn't this read: Bruce Willis set to guest star on 30 Rock as himself, where he will be headlining a fictional buddy comedy within the show entitled "A Couple of Dicks."

So we're through the looking glass then, huh? With Kenneth leading the Republican party and now this, 30 Rock has become a documentary.

Also great: the project was originally set to star Robin Williams and James Gandolfini, who backed out. I guess there wasn't enough money in the budget for cocaine and hookers.

via Variety

Season Pass ASAP

Everything about this = Yes.

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

HE ELECTROCUTES THEM.
Bitches be squawking indeed. And what's up with Bizzaro Cheyenne Jackson?

"I won't just date a guy because he has money. He has to have so many other things."
Brilliant.

Birth

The first post on a new blog. Like popping a cherry with less blood and more shame.

via pants